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Flame Cow Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

by Flip Nasty

/
1.
I won't speak, and I won't call. I'll never make a move at all. I love her, but I'm paralyzed and small. I've got bad instincts, and my first plan is my worst plan, and I'll drive away the woman who might one day understand. ChorusI: She said, "No, go back. Don't you come back this way." The lantern's lit, her fire is bright, but even if she's warm tonight, the monkey in my tongue will hold it tight. I've got no timing, and I can't confess I love her, and my coldness serves to shove her to the arms of angry men. ChorusII: I was choking on the promise, I'm afraid of love. I'm afraid of loving you.
2.
Coyote 04:11
So cold says the coyote as the willow whips the crow. So quick, thick, and easy just to let these arrows go. I try not to break you, says the coyote to the snow. It's hot-fought and rotten, but it's the only food I know. Chorus: Seeking my anguish, this dog loves a tree. Fill me with warmth, and I'll feed you with me. I know I travel to die at your knee. Take me from cold, and I'll feed you with me. So fierce is the fire that the willow might explode. So cold is the coyote, he forgets the ashen crow. She whispers and touches with her passion underglow. The canopy collapses, and the coyote smokes his bones. Chorus. So cold, screams the coyote, and his hide it heals too slow. So scabbed-up and skinless, I'm a skeleton, I know. I pause just to die here --let my inside-out unfold. Silent seeds turn to saplings, sprouting willows feed and grow. Chorus. Feed me with fire and I'll feed you with me.
3.
So WIll I 05:32
Sweet little line of color and sound, I can't see the shape you follow as the song breaks down. Soft little pace creeps with the ground. Will my blanket shield you when I turn around? Sweet little spot, mumbled and hot, creepers spill like ivy that the seed forgot. Soft little nest, bitter and blessed, linger for the first and only time we kissed. Chorus: I see anger in your eyes, I'm not blind, I'm not blind. I say dogs and babies die; so will I, so will I. Sweet little drop of liquid and silk, pushing slowly, sliding coarsely like spider's milk. Soft little bud yearns for the flood. Speak the drop as if it were your aching blood. Chorus. Soft was the whispered breath, muttering and stuttering. Hot thorns with blood to press, always wistful, wondering. Sweet little face of mangoes and sand, please don't slide aside from shape in my shaking hand. Soft little eye, deep as the sky, I would be your chattle if you wouldn't cry. Chorus.
4.
Eclipse 04:15
Pain, pain, songs of pain. Songs of loss and love and rain. My songs, me all drawn in crayon. This heart, dumb anchor, drowns smart brain. Where will you go, who will you see, who'll fail you each morning --neglect if not me? Chorus: These years wasted, foolish strings that tie me to such hopeless things. Your heart in shadow seems mine to light. The moment passed --without me, bright. Love, love, long and low, lived in deserts, stars, and snow. My love, mine, all hope, you know --this golem's wicker, brittle bones. How warm your eyes, how bright their rays. I thought of you for days on days. I loved your heart, your thoughts, your gloom, your crazy ways, your deep, wet room. Your kiss was stolen, bed on fire. I said to go, but was a liar. We laughed and cried, we tried and tried. The moment came, and, coming, died. I cling to ashes, hair, and bone, your shadow in each woman shown. Chorus. Kiss, kiss, lips I miss, promises in oil and piss. My kiss bites a phantom wrist. Mouth without me, you exist. Where is the heart, pulled from the mud. Who'll love your disaster --live with your blood? Chorus. I miss the voice, I miss the trust, I miss the days I missed --I must. My words all lies, my lies all art. "It's love or nothing," breaks the heart. My love was great, my heart was vast, that love is gone, that shadow passed. "There's love or nothing," screams my will. No hope, no love, yet something still.
5.
Two blue hearts on a napkin, whiskey and crabs in the spring. She slips into my dreams, and she comes teasing me with fire. It's a pumpkin, it's a f***ing wedding ring. Chorus: She was the best who ever wore the glass slipper, even though I could see only a chimneysweep. Two red boats on the ocean. Careful, I'll kiss you if you breathe. She labors me with oil, and she comes trickling at my door. It's a knick-knack, it's a pearl between my teeth. Lariat the doe-brow eyes of a legend, and she'll pull you like a kite through the ether of the night. Chorus
6.
This pillow cold can surely wait. This brittle sky will surely snow. This blanket old has known more heat. I wish you had some thought of me. My ink is dust, my tongue abates. I'll meet you where there's mistletoe. My hands are touched by fragile cuffs of angel down you shed on me. I'm thursday's fool, but years from now I hope you'll have my drop of gold.
7.
(Instrumental/Scat)
8.
Shiny Dimes 02:54
Met her on the lawn, and I thought I would forget her, but I should've known better, yes I should've known better. Twenty-eight months, and a thing or two later, and she ought to know I love her, but I don't know how to let her. Standing on the roof, with the rain above the ground, and my ears are optimistic for that one gold sound. Something like, "I love you, won't you please come down?" But I know that it's not coming, like I knew she'd frown. Chorus: I'd be had for shiny dimes but she still can't be had for a song. Met her in a dream and she wore a yellow sweater. Said she could've done better, and I knew I would regret her. Question and a scream and a stupid little letter. These are acts of klutz seduction that I'd rather not remember. Standing in the trees in the middle of the night with the pins up in the ceiling bleeding lantern light. Hearts cannot be won because they don't know how to fight. It's a matter of arrival; is your passport right? Chorus. Meet her at the door in the middle of September. I have come to light a bonfire with a pinpoint of an ember. Cigarettes and stars, what is close and what's forever? Will her tender feelings blossom by the sunrise or December. Standing in the wind like a fool without a voice, my stupid silent serenade continues and destroys every single option born of passion, born of noise. It's a question, it's an answer, it's a simple choice. Chorus.
9.
Fire 05:07
Hot burns fast, makes smoke and dies. Wet wood smoke, all smoke see I. Slow is rare, with heat that stays, but hard to see --its plume mere haze. You have a way of starting a fever. Boil my blood with warn and warmth. Time will make me crisp and crackle, flicker into roaring swarm. Orange, purple naked eyes underneath these batman skies, I painted you and came alive. You have a way of looking at fire. Right through me, you sense the spark. Oh, you know the way that these things start. You know the matchbook of my heart. Chorus: You've got fire, you've got spark, but you got burned, so you got smart, and you took the love I needed far away. Now I've got to pull myself together before my ashes blow away. You have a way of starting with paper. Blood and tinder, flame makes flame. Little wisps of smoke and smolder learn to flare and light again. Vanquish my foes, the game is thick, the tally soon. Pocket me quick, and --finger-to-lips-- exit this angry blue room. Chorus. If I catch you with the matches, you'll be playing in the rain. Nothing's wrong with coming home --I'm coming home again. How many words can I rhyme with "murder?" Burn my body with those hips. Sleepless drowning, this is bliss, bed on fire --flames and water. Chorus.
10.
Sorry 05:35
I can see her from the stairway, I can see her from up here, and I want to brew a magic phrase to pull her pretty ear. But a new time is an old time --my hope beat by fear. I could hear her in a dream, her throat her tiny violin, and she tried to tell me something --how to win her through the din. But a new time is an old time, and we won't begin. Chorus: Innocent, she wakes, she's sorry --sorry, but she knows the ending. I can see her from the treehouse, I can see her from the moon, and I know she'll make me ask again, as if it's just too soon. But a new time is an old time, and I'm still the same buffoon. Bridge: Heaven knows it's a cold year for the rose. She says, "If I don't really love you, what're you going to make me do?" Chorus. I could see her in a nightmare, where she burned by blue guitar, and she said, "I'll tell you something: you have pushed an inch too far, and you'd better change the next time. Don't blame me --it's who you are." Chorus.
11.
Along 03:54
Would you kiss me good morning if we were the last two fools to flee from here to somewhere underground? Do you love me 'cause I'm funny? I know you don't love me for my money. Chorus: I think I'm turning into one more reason I should go. You think I'm taking you along. If my pantry was empty, would you still marry me in December, when everything is cold? I'm walking through the alleys; the fields of our fathers have been fallow for a thousand years or more. Chorus. Onto the thorny trail, the gates are closed behind us. Two bags of memories on our backs. Are we chasing a dragon? I hope you enjoy the way I treat you. Chorus. Looks like I'm taking you along.
12.
Creeps 02:29
Are you mad at me? Are you passion in degrees? I anticipate your options, but your choice is in-between. Always close, I taste defeat upon your door, but if the telephone starts ringing, then I'm off across the floor. Chorus: Maybe you're lonely, calling to say, "I love you after all, and you really don't give me the creeps." Are you dangerous? Is this panic in the dust? It takes two to make a couple and I think there's one of us. Near as I can see, your dial tone never leads to me. You've got some numbers in that thing, but mine won't ever get the ring, unless.... Chorus. I'm disconnected. My voice machine tells me no one calls. I'm out of quarters, out of order, out of borders, are you sort of free? Just no time to make for me! All your words are busy signals, but they sound legit to me. Always home, I've got a blanket and some hope. I guess I've got to give up sometime, but there goes the telephone. Chorus.
13.
(Instrumental)
14.
(Instrumental)
15.
When 05:31
Yes, I would f*** you for days in a windowless, steamy room, reveling in the salmon and brine of you, ordering pizza and Chinese food until the bank man came and cut my hand off, covering you with chocolate, licking the sweat from your thighs, burying my sadness in your lollipop eyes. Fall into my fat arms, take me out and shoot me by the car. It's who you are. Chorus: When will you be my girl, when will you belong to me. Yes, I hunger for your lanky frame and the sexy thrust-slouch of your deep smooth hips all over me like a blanket of paws. If you don't see me soon, don't you think you will explode? Sneaky me, I knit you a mask, and I ask you to dance and dance and dance. Sexy you, you left the love ray on, and I'm falling in as I write my song. Fall into my fat arms, pull me back, and kill me with a look. You wrote the book. Chorus. I'm in panic; you were just seen laughing. I'll be fine if I can just stop bleeding. Yes, I would weasel my way to the bed that ties you down. Shanghai me, soft and enslaved by a love that never drowns, swabbing the decks for your sharking crew --all you redhead pirates, buccaneers, you. Saving you from danger on the burning ship, tasting love's cool language on your popsicle lips.
16.
Birdy 03:40
I am the bird, I am the bird who's known to peck at people's cats, a nervous bird who broke a wing, now I need a nurse --you look so good in white. I want to move into your nest. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want to fly. You can't imagine what a bird would have to do to get a crack at you --thinking only small cracks do the real big harm-- you can't believe that I'm the biggest in this room. You think a bird is just a bird, but I can love you. I broke that wing when I was looking at your picture. A careless bird, but one who's not afraid to love. You say you're worried --after all, you own a cat, and don't I peck them? Would she eat me? Am I sure I've really thought the whole thing through? You can reject me for your feelings if you want to. I'm just a bird, and you say, "even birds should know a line exists." You might remember, in the air, the rules are different, and you have to climb to reach the open space. Chorus: Think of me kindly, ruffle my plumes, open my birdcage, brighten its rooms. It's today, it's today, you can't believe it's today. Chorus. Pour me my water, feed me my food, give me a cracker, good birdy good.
17.
You contemplate, you make your plan. With your blindfold on, can you see my hand? You've done your time, you've heard the news. Will you ever see how I look at you? Lovely as the sun is bright, but distant as a star. Chorus: If you had my eyes, you'd never look away. You'd see the star that fell and took your name. You set the date, you watch the clock. You could start again if the bets are off. You miss the mark, you look behind. You believe in the voice, and I know you've been blind. Smarter than the moon is high, but lonely as the sea. Chorus. Don't you know my heart. Splendid as the winter's cold, but secret as a key. Chorus.
18.
Crush 03:40
Oh my sassy vampire, point and click the livelong day. I've been working on the railroad, but they never let me play. Doting on your template in clove and coffe stomping grounds. Heaved you into bed every dream --made you rise and fall and scream. Pre-Chorus: Some words come to hide, others to be spoken, some hearts love to fly, others to be broken. Chorus: A dangerous crush, she murders me with screaming, I die in a hole. Dislocate your work facade with your passionate disgust. Sexy you, you've never said "hi" or "proactive" in your life. When I nail the paper down on my hermit place to hide, will you let me kidnap you then --be my scarlet shotgun bride? Pre-Chorus/Chorus. Flushed from cover, noisy blunder, made to lie and left to wonder. Give the swill who keeps you there twenty minutes and a box, watermelon and something silk --he'll be lonely without you. Danger me with water tales, open up your baby blues. Boil my heart and jump every bone. 'Til that day I sing haikus. Chorus.
19.
Oh, I have eyes to see you. Light one more torch on the water. You lay rings of mercury between us. I throw the stones, I will follow. Oh, bitter wind to doubt me, just one more word to silence. You lay rings of memory around me. I hear the sea, "follow...." Chorus: All of the salt in the seven seas burns in my blood with a memory. Oh, for the days when my heart was free. Salt of the memory. Oh, you have strength to pull me in. Oh, so my feet touch the water. You sing songs of magic and entrapment. I touch the face of my captor. You lay me down on your table. You touch your mouth to my shoulder. Red the plumes that rise towards the surface. Love in the eyes of your supper. Chorus.
20.
I hear the voice behind you on the phone and once again, my job is done. I'm a dedicated soldier, but when the fight is through, I'm not the one. Chorus: Love is a secret I'll never tell you. Can't you just figure out? You call me in the evening. In the trash and f***ed again, you need someone. I'm addicted to the crisis, for when your heart is new, my heart is fun. Chorus. You leave me in the summer, but when the winter's here, I'll be your sun. Chorus. I'll distract the dragons while you go f*** the queen --the queen I love. A kiss on the lips, a mouth on the heart, a whisper through the dark. Chorus.
21.
Patience 04:25
Keys and grabbed and rode away --matches in the door. Flown and fled this flat astray --mop your love a floor. Handed me a monkey's mouth, shouted "kiss!" and skittered south. Grapes and condoms tucked away --fill your heart a drawer. Chorus: Patience, love, and angles true --different sort of blue. Time will weep your bad love gone and I will be with you. Drove and dragged and met a fish. Stopped to burn a tree. P***ed on ice cream, made a wish, rented love from me. Gave me shivers, jokes and moods --f***ed your voice a time or two. Decorated and dismissed --rotten love is free. Chorus. SpeechI: I drove by that dark house every night I neared despite the fact that the windows were marbled, and even after the house had been sold, I still glanced up at the yellow light as I careened around the corner and I wanted to go back and stop that kid from dialing one more time just to be told because sometimes it's enough to know. SpeechII: How do I feel about her? She kills me. I look at her and I think, "F*** me with a hammer if that is not the most sensual, brilliant woman I have ever seen." She slays me dead. Oh, she could give the word and I would drop everything. Quit this f***ing job, vacate the apartment, pick up the pieces later. It would be my little life moment --my whole life in this one act. I want her all the time, I have to be with her, and she murders me --I can't have her. She's got this guy, this nice guy, but he's wasting her, he leaves her dangling and she dangles. I'm insanely jealous, but there's no price I can pay for her. She's not for sale. I go to the store every day, hoping she's in the window, but there's nothing I can put down and walk out of there with her. She murders me. SpeechIII: Unless she hops on a redeye right now, gives the taxi driver an absent-minded c-note, pounds the broken buzzer until her finger sprains and she is forced to shatter my garden-level window with the decorative pumice boulder and leap through like a dissheveled love commando, tattooing me with feverish feral kisses and barking out confessions like drowning breaths between embraces, "Finally, I dreamt it and saw it and I know it now forever. I love you. I have to have you. I'm wet like a monsoon for you and I need you inside me right now for the rest of my life. F***mekissmetakemehavemefillme with our beautiful babies, I want my life to begin right now!" followed by the most intense 107-degree jungle sweltering sex ever had by two hearts twined and oh f*** the screaming that will drive the rats from these walls back to Ireland where they would rather eat the Pied Piper or give him their lunch money or anything but risk it here because surely he is stabbing her to death with that tiny d*** because no pleasure could possibly be that loud and last so long, that poor girl! ....Ah, the great myth of unrequited love.
22.
ALITB 03:18
23.
Everything 03:01
I met you in the dungeon, where they chained my stickman heart, and I knew the way you let me loose was love. I laid my snares, I brought my myrrh, my mother wrote a note. I have to have to have you, don't you know. Chorus: You are everything. I miss you and the future, where we gather up our kids, help them with their lunches and their shoes. I love you, oh my Scully, though the sky is dark today, and you can feel it in the way I sing the blues. Chorus. I want you in December with the mistletoe and snow. I'll meet you in the manger after nine. Your moonshine mouth might pack the punch to knock my sadness out. I'm waiting, you are destined to be mine. Chorus.
24.
No One Could 04:15
If you're with me, you will leave me. If you love me, you're a liar. If you meet me, you'll avoid me. If you see me, you'll go blind. Chorus: I'm alone. No one loves me, no one could. I'm so ugly, you must hate me. You must trick me with your eyes. If I trust you, you'll betray me when you tell me it's all right. Chorus. I was choking on the promise, I'm afraid of love. I'm afraid of loving you. If you kiss me, you control me. If you hold me why, why, why, oh why? If you need me, you don't know me. If you want me, it'll die. Chorus.
25.
Cruel 05:55
When it comes, best run fast, wild legs might still outlast you. I'm ashamed there's no control: silver moon makes animal. Chorus: Cruel, now there's blood in your eye, and you're trying not to cry, but you think that you want to. I'm so sorry. I recall number one. High school, I was having fun when in the sky, like a song, guides my growling teeth along. Chorus. It can control the sea, so why not me --there's blood in me. Yes, it's true I hunted you. What else was I supposed to do? Silver thorns break my heart. Slow and deep, I fall apart. Chorus.
26.
Red, oh Red, you dangerhead, I'll fix my smart spaghetti. Give my dog a beer, you fool. I'd kiss you if I didn't drool. I know your art, you sneakyheart --you'll hide my love in someone's shoes. They tell you each you're in my reach and I'm the one for you. Chorus: Love is paper, love is ink, darling you are every word I think. Love is water, love is light, darling you are every dream I write. Honeybee, you stingerflea, hurrier I behindest get. Sing my songs all wrong, you tease, I'd hold you but you'd only freeze. I know your sweets, I like to eat (I starve in candy shops, you see). They tell you each I'm on your beach and you're the one for me. Chorus. My sorrow is the volume of your blood. My hope is the pressure of my shadow on your shoulder --turn around. Claire, oh Claire, you double-dare sweet pirate of the secret gold. Rope me close, you psychobreed. You beat up trees --I aim to bleed. I know your heart, you pumpkin dart. Your love the truncheon, me the bruise. They tell you twice forget the price for I'm the one for you. Chorus.
27.
That Dress 02:51
Cloth has shown the woman known in flight. Given wings, she purrs and sings with light. Sip a drink, my eyes will sink and rest. Trapped in amber when you wear that dress. Chorus: Clicks and whispers, spooky arms to flail. In between our hearts this coat of mail. Taste you in the nicest ways, grin as I confess, "Yes, I love you more or less. Ask me in that dress." Magic is the heart of love tonight. spells and candles popping cinders bright. Cloth is paper, loving eyes be blessed. Blood in water when you wear that dress. Chorus.
28.
Got so hungry last night that I started eating garbage; I was feeling just fine, then my head came undone, so I threw it away. Now it's lying in the garbage. Got so freezing last night that I had to make a fire, but I burned my guitar on the living room floor, and the lesson I learned is: you shouldn't play with matches. Got so sexy last night that I started getting offers, but I didn't believe they were really for me, so I gave them to Sam. Now he's going to have a threesome. Got so needy last night that I called up Shirley Manson and reminded her how I had once saved her life. So she hopped on a plane --now we're eating breakfast naked. Got so lonely last night that I had to build a girlfriend, and I took her outside just to show her the sky, but she broke from her leash, so I'll have to love my neighbor. Got so sleepy last night that my spirit left my body and I floated outside and I talked to a ghost, and she said I was dumb 'cause I never share my feelings. Got so wistful last night, and I thought a lot of Sarah, and I really regret that we didn't go out. She was really my type, but I'll never get to love her. Got so hungry last night that I started eating garbage; I was feeling just fine, then my head came undone, so I threw it away. Now it's lying in the garbage.
29.
Certainly there's passion in the loveless space between us; the great and feathered valley, here a splash, a glint of red? This rose, this apple pie, this applesauce a-creeping down. Certainly there's something on the wall. Here, the bad advice a sour stream, a taste of unclean water; something in the water made us sick in sixty seconds. Certainly there's passion in the moments of our youth misspent with weighed regrets, separate and alive. Here, the secret objects: groceries and a sharp card of short facts. My mother filled my mouth with moths. Is Nicole Janine the one? Motley and apparent carelessness, I project a waiting wife upon a harsh and tiny canvas. Certainly it's love. I anticipate a strategy, a method to my motions, an easiness yet purposeful connect. She finds me charming.... or just to choose me. Chorus: From a distance I am almost like desire. Certainly her young heart is on fire.
30.
If the object of desire is in this constant, the tiny space before the rush of hot frustration, if the object of the chase is in the journey, to know the sequence of terrain your heart will follow, if the presence of your skin can never be, why is it on me like a fire on a breeze? CH: Won't you come stay with me? I will drape you like a sheet. If the purpose of attraction is an instant, a simple glimpse of an impossible duration, if consumption of the patient seed is early, to know the present through the future will be hollow, if the virtue of the stream is clarity, why is it thirst that finds me growing ever green? CH. If the secret of the spark is in the balance, the shuffled taking and erasing of a difference, if the purpose of the shock is parity, why is resistance all the heat I'll ever need?
31.
Well I guess I'm all right, but it's a long way home and baby, I can't leave tonight. Stuck here by the airport, trying to grab myself a bite. I'll sleep one more night --if there was beer in here, then Vince and I could have a fight. Traded in my tin star --doesn't mean that he was right. Chorus: Here in the heart of it, it's only dreams that make us real. Cast my line --she won't bite. I could be Superman and Lois would stay home tonight. Hands upon my eyes, now guess who's hidden from my sight. I'm not always bright, but I was thinking were I bottled beer she'd hold me tight. Also, i'd be sure to get her lips on me tonight. Chorus. Well you might miss your flight, but I still likely wouldn't tell you you remain my light. Never since I met you has this heartbeat been quite right. I know that you'll write, and I'll be jealous of the men who fill your distant life. Tongue between my teeth beneath a Boise moon tonight.
32.
Well, I've always loved the dog. The dog has always loved me. And I've always loved the rain, although it's cold and smoky. But I can't remember when the rain has been this angry, so I sit all by myself --I guess I always will be. Chorus: In or out of my arms, I need you. Well, I've always loved this place, I think they made it for me. And I've always loved that song, although it makes me lonely. And I've always loved you, too --I wish you'd fall and find me. But I know I make you choke. You say such things to break me. CH. Well, you've always been my friend, but you might soon forget me, and I'll live here underground, and you can think about me. CH. Well, I've always been the dog, and you have always loved me. And I've always been the rain, though you won't go out in me. And I can't remember when your smile has been so lonely. So I sit all by myself. At least you'll sit beside me.
33.
Chorus: Red is the moment I'm blue as the moon. Me, me, me --what's wrong with me? Where's my hidden head? It is I, the fox, and you the wary lamb. You'll be back, you mark my words --I know your favorite trails. It is I, the fox. I'm after you again. Chorus. Come to me, my birthday wish. Oh where's my secret bride? It is I, the fox, and you've no place to hide. You will need my magic ways --I know your fairy tales. It is I, the fox; I'm taking you inside. Chorus. You, you, you --what's wrong with you? Why are you still crying? It is I, the fox, and you the bluest eyes. Please, my darling, shut the door. Alone within this gale. It is I, the fox. I'm shedding my disguise.

about

Everybody in America today loves the fact that movie soundtracks are merely shallow corporate marketing devices that often contain songs that aren't even in the movie advertised. Flip Nasty hears your desires and responds in force with Flame Cow! 26 glorious anthems on 2 discs having practically nothing to do with the movie for which they were "commissioned."

Liner Notes:
About Flame Cow: Flame Cow is the epic tale of a heroic cow (in the classic tradition of heroic cows), a jaw-dropper gorgeous brainy milkmaid, and a cratchety old farmer who together must save the world from a deadly plague of clones unleashed in secret by a dark and brooding supervillain whose inky nebulous influence transcends geographic, political and cosmic borders at an alarming rate. Despite rumors circulating on the internet, the script was absolutely not written by robots.



Flame Cow, the Movie: Directed by Alan Smithee. Produced by Frumples Pictures/Cosmonaut Films. Screenplay by Script Applicator 4.1 (TM)



Flame Cow: Brian Costello

Milkmaid Petra: Corinna Buchholz

Farmer Johanssen: Krandler

The President: A. Boring

Gringor Stynx: Himself

"David Bowie": "Himself"

The Vice President: Mannequin Man




FLAME COW FAQs



1. Will Flame Cow be playing at my local theater multiplex chain?

A. Maybe. Be sure to write 1-10 letters to your theater proprietors demanding that it be shown on the big screen.



2. Does Flame Cow have a girlfriend?

A. We think so.



3. Does Flame Cow like carrots?

A. Not as a rule.



4. If Flame Cow and R2D2 had a fight, who would win, and by how much?

A. Flame Cow. 40-Love.



5. Who plays Flame Cow?

A. Flame Cow is not so much played as lived for real by Brian Costello.



6. How does Flame Cow go to the bathroom?

A. In much the same way as Incendiary Otter.



7. Why did George Lucas create Jar-Jar Binks?

A. It's unconfirmed, but we believe Lucas may be just another clone.



8. If Flame Cow and Jar-Jar had a fight, who would win?

A. It's tough to say. Jar-Jar is obviously at least as tough as a Wookie.



9. If Santa gets sick, will Flame Cow save Christmas?

A. No, there will be no Christmas that year.



10. Will there be a Flame Cow II?

A. No. As you have probably seen in the exciting and enticing trailer that gives everything away so that you'll want to see the movie even more desperately than if it was all a surprise, the surprise ending is that all the characters are killed --some of them twice.



ALAN SMITHEE TALKS ABOUT THE MAKING OF "FLAME COW"


Interviewer: I've just seen the film, and I've got to confess that I don't understand it.



Smithee: Have you considered that your brain may be undersized?



I: Oh, I recognize the genius --I just don't understand it.



S: That seems to be a common reaction from the undersized-brain crowd.



I: Can you tell us about how the project got started?



S: Well, Brian Costello, who plays the lead in the film, has a chemical imbalance in his brain.



I: Excuse me?



S: If this is too fast for your undersized brain to process, I can slow down.



I: What is it with you and brains?



S: I find that most people I meet have some manner of brain problem. Brian's brain problem is a chemical imbalance. The nature of this imbalance is such that he approached the people at Frumples Pictures and told them that he wanted to do an adaptation of the popular Norwegian comic book, Bål Ku, which roughly translates to "Flame Cow." The higher-ups at Frumples were very keen on making this happen because Brian is, hands-down, the best --or even "only"-- dramatic talent ever to be attached to a Frumples Production. Furthermore, they were encouraged by the fact that Brian claimed to already have the Bål Ku adaptation rights, and they knew that in the current cinematic climate, comic book adaptations are solid gold --just think of The Phantom, The Saint, Batman & Robin, and As Good As It Gets, just to name a few....



I: I guess I don't see how this has anything to do with a "chemical imbalance in Brian's brain." It seems like a pretty standard pitch-and-catch to me.



S: Sure, to the tiny-brained. Let me ask you something: in all your travels to Norway, have you ever heard of a comic book called Bål Ku?



I: Well, I haven't actually been....



S: I don't have time to wait for your answer. Of course you haven't. That's because there is no Bål Ku comic book. Brian Costello is a seriously delusional baboon.



I: So did you tell Frumples Pictures?



S: Are you kidding? I'd sat in on meetings with Brian and the executives where everybody was going on about how much they liked the books, and how we should try to stick to the original look and feel as much as possible.



I: So what did you do?



S: I paid my son $15 to draw a couple of Bål Ku comic books.





I: $15?!



S: Hey, it's twice what he gets to mow the lawn. Anyway, he drew a couple of books --I had them printed up real nice, then we started talking about story.



I: Tell us about the writing process.



S: Well, I'm not allowed to tell you that it was written by a computer. Contractually forbidden to tell you that they scanned in one of the comic books, gave the thing a cast of characters and let an algorithmic drama generator crunch the thing over Labor Day. What I can tell you is that the first draft had a lot of problems, including the fact that all of Milkmaid Petra's lines were just "I prefer beef" written in binary ASCII text. So we definitely didn't purchase an upgrade to the software and do a rewrite, that's for sure. So we went through a few revisions, then we ran out of money, and just shot it. Although it might seem like each scene was written entirely independtly of any other scene, that's definitely not the case. I think --despite the poor first draft-- we've managed to really make a pretty meaningful statement about clones and cloning.



I: Wow. So where can people go to see Flame Cow?



S: The film will be shown at a variety of secret times and locations around the country. Basically what you should do is try to just randomly walk around, looking for it. It could be anywhere: the side of a building, an access tunnel, projected on the ground from a moving airplane, your office, the back seat of a Datsun, even a movie theater. Just look for it, and you can't help but find it.

credits

released January 1, 2000

John Fried: bass
John Speranza: guitar
Cody Weathers: vocals, drums, keyboards, percussion, add'l guitar & bass

all songs written by Cody Weathers

Produced, engineered, and mixed by Cody Weathers
Mastered at Alien Beans

with:
Terri Kempton: cello on Along, backup vocals on Fire and Love is Paper
Elizabeth Trice: backup vocals on Love is Paper
Libby Martin: backup vocals on Love is Paper
Eric Rorem: backup vocals on Fire
Amy Lin: speech on Cinderella Dream
Joel Pietsch: Piano on ALITB
Robert McIntosh: Ghost Ensemble toms on Cockroach Crude
Elise Keith: Ghost Ensemble toms2, bass drum on Cockroach Crude
Jon McConnell: Ghost Ensemble toms3 on Cockroach Crude
Jennifer Rittenburg: Cockroach Ensemble snare on Cockroach Crude
JJ McCabe: Cockroach Ensemble wood block on Cockroach Crude
Evan Louden: Cockroach Ensemble castanets on Cockroach Crude
Mark Goodenberger: Conductor on Cockroach Crude

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Cody Weathers Portland, Oregon

Multi-instrumental scat-singing acoustic-rock fool-for-hire. Card-carrying nerd since 1989. Not afraid of hyphens. Super powers include: [deleted for reasons of national security].

DESCRIBE THAT NOISE:
Hard rock sensibilities fused with acoustic upbringing and jazz acumen operating in a truly independent consonant harmonic system.
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